Inspired In Christ
Healing From Neglect
As A Child
Inspired In Christ
Healing From Neglect
As A Child
Was there some way you felt unnoticed in your upbringing? Some of us experienced that with Teachers, an Aunty and Uncle, a big Brother or Sister
but others have had rough beginnings with their Parents - believe it or not - who took very little notice of them and did not show affection. This is something I've felt very passionate about since the 80's when some people would lock their kids out of the house after they got out of school for the day before those parents came home from work - they cared about their material possessions so much more and did Not want the house untidy! I trust parents like this will remember these things in their old age if they don't Repent - so criminal that is.
If you were neglected in some way as a child - unnoticed or lacking affection - I really feel for you because I experienced a sudden change at a young age of a different but similar nature, that left me decidedly empty and unfulfilled. Parents, please give each child your best in life. You may not have much else to give them materially speaking but please give them the "Best of You!" Lots of hugs, some undivided interest each day and some laughter in the Home are the Best Gifts and Start in Life you can give them - other things are not so important. You need to apologise to your kids and change your ways if you don't. One's upbringing can be so important to us even into elderly years. You need to remember that. And if you weren't treated well when you were young, you have the wonderful opportunity to have a better and closer-knit Family yourselves. Shall I share my story before this article I have written today? I found an Article on this topic this morning on the Internet, and although I had a fun day planned - this struck chords of heart-felt compassion in my heart, so I thought I'd write instead.
There I was, my Dad's favorite girl and suddenly, I was not important to him anymore - when he divorced my Mum, it was like he divorced me. I didn't see him for some time, and then he called by the workshop one day to pick up something, with a strange lady in the car and two other children, paying them lots of attention and me very little, then left.
Several months later, he returned for a short time and left again for a different lady, we shifted to a different area (at the delicate age of 12.5 Years) and my brother left Mum with myself and a small baby, to live in New Zealand. Just up and away he went without much notice. My Mum and my baby Sister were inseparable as you can imagine. Not realising what she was doing (after two separations and my brother leaving so suddenly) she was in need of healing - she hid herself in the life of my baby sister at that time. She was like a "haven of refuge" for my Mum, because I could not respond well to her after those events - emotionally confused. The bond between my Mum and sister grew very close through her early upbringing and always has been that way. She was Mum's Comfort Gift from God.
Mum and I weren't close until 6.5 Years later when I had my Son and I wrapped my life in him. Looking back at the years between, I think I must have felt emotionally deprived - I'm not sure. I do remember feeling unnoticed sometimes when they did things together. Needless to say, I was pretty empty in my teen years and quite disturbed. Because I tended to push Mum away from me for some reason......she forgot to pour her life into me as well and to instill those things into me that every young person needs.....principles for living etc.
My Mum was brought up in a Boarding House run by her Mum with five kids as a widow with 14 boarders - very busy in those days with not much time to show affection. So my Mum wasn't used to expressing her affections (from the way she was brought up). I could have misinterpreted a seeming lack of affection if I did think about it - all mums hug their babies, most atleast. A few years after my Son, I was living in Jesus and I felt to show a special interest in my Mum - she warmed to this like candy and felt loved by her older daughter then (myself) and we developed a special bond. We have always been close since that time. It was Jesus who taught me how to love and restored my affectionate nature - a baby certainly helps. My Mum and my Sister are together with Jesus now 2.5 and 3 Years now in that blessed Home Land and there's just the two of us now.
My Dad basically reaped what he sowed with someone he later married - she left him for someone else and lived next door to him after settlement. Please Note: I do not not believe in Karma! I'm not in favor of vengeful thoughts. However, our Bible speaks about Reaping what we Sow sometimes. It's unfortunate that he lost someone he was really fond of and I had to keep a distance from him when he started missing me, I felt disturbed if I went there so that was out of the question. He walked with Jesus, the last few years of his life - he really repented to God AND US and acknowledged Mum as his real MRS when he stayed in hospital weeks before he went to his Savior in Heaven. Although I can't remember much I can respect him for, apart from the way he conducted himself with customers - he was very honest and interested in them - I do highly respect him for the genuineness of his Faith and Repentance, including his family like that. Many Christians don't - to me, that is half-hearted Repentance!
So pleased to let you know there is a lady Clinical Psychologist in the USA who was making continual observations in patients from dysfunctional homes where their needs were being ignored. She discovered they had the same symptoms she was helping them with (they were affected in the same ways and trying to feel better about themselves and their lives - wanting to function better, so they could live better, fulfilling lives). She started to be moved with extra Compassion for these people and desired to help them the absolute best she can and give them keys that would really work for them, to heal their morale and help them express affection because they were deeply concerned about that - it was a problem for them; their capacity to feel affection from others and show affection was not developed since a small age.
Her name is Dr. Jonice Webb, and thanks to Jesus, she has now pioneered a work for everyone who has experienced Parental Neglect.........these Innocent Children who had Unloving Parents. I bet they couldn't wait to leave home. A house is just a house unless you Make It A Home - that has always been my thoughts about the matter - how dare couples have children if they have no such intentions of LOVING THEM and LOOKING AFTER THEM. Most people have more respect for their pets! I was a Single Mum and I showered my child with affection and looked after him well every day. Promised him a full Mother's time, the day he was born in preference to a working career or similar (you could do that in those days). Can you tell me how-come married couples so often these days who share the Joy of a child's birth, love them so much less!? I used to say to myself "So much for Marriage!" when I witnessed such things. I still do in a way, I have contempt for Married Couples who sin more than the Singles, in respect to their children (the most precious Gifts we can have on this Earth). And furthermore, I do not subscribe to the Government's idea to pay people for having kids - the most outrageous thing the Government does here in Australia. A CHILD is Not a Source of Income. That's Reprehensible!!!
Jonice's Breakthough Discovery is referred to as CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) and she has a special Website for these Precious People. Yes, I am calling you PRECIOUS if you are one of them. This is Wonderful, that I found such a Page on the Net - I stopped my plans for the day and said "I am going to get this Good News out there on my Websites (two of them). Jonice's description of Childhood Emotional Neglect is:
A parent’s failure to respond enough to the child’s emotional needs. Emotional Neglect, in some ways, is the opposite of mistreatment and abuse. Whereas mistreatment and abuse are parental acts, Emotional Neglect is a parent’s failure to act. It’s a failure to notice, attend to, or respond appropriately to a child’s feelings. Children who are emotionally neglected then grow up to have a particular set of struggles. Because their emotions were not validated as children, they may have difficulty knowing and trusting their own emotions as adults. They may have difficulty understanding their own feelings, as well as others’. Because an important part of themselves (their emotional self) has been denied, they may find themselves feeling disconnected, unfulfilled or empty. They may have difficulty trusting or relying upon others. Many describe feeling that they are different from other people; like something is wrong with them, but they’re not sure what it is.
Emotion is the substance of all relationships. If you are not attending to your emotions, you are by-passing a vital source of connection and joy.
Emotional Intelligence has been proven to be more valuable to success in life and work than general intelligence. It’s extremely vital that you know how to name, use and manage emotion, as well as how to deal with it in others. People who received emotional validation from their parents as a child are generally able to provide it automatically to their own children. People who didn't receive it enough themselves will likely struggle to provide it as parents. It is vital to recognize what you didn't get yourself so that you can make conscious effort to learn the missing skills, fill your own blind spots, and give your children what you didn't get.
This factor from childhood is so subtle that it goes virtually unnoticed by everyone while it does its silent damage to people’s lives.
As I became aware of the full power and prevalence of Emotional Neglect, I felt compelled to bring it out of the darkness and into the light; to help people to see how it effects them, and to give them the tools to fix it.
My promise to you is that if you take this short questionnaire and follow my advice… recovering from CEN will become significantly easier.
Follow These 3 Steps To Even Up Your Relationships
1) Accept that your feelings, needs and wants do matter as much as anyone else’s. You must accept this fact before you can take your rightful place in your relationships.
2) Start paying attention to what you feel, need and want. Make lists on your phone or laptop or on a sheet of paper, and add a new item to each list every single day. You can’t speak up for yourself unless you know what to ask for.
3) Start making a conscious effort to be aware of your own needs and wants, and put them into words. When someone asks your opinion or preference, push yourself to offer one every single time. The more you do it, the easier it will become. The easier it becomes, the more you will be filling your own shoes, and taking up your fair space.
As a child, you were not asked what you wanted or needed or felt enough. As a Grown Up, you have not asked yourself what you wanted, needed or felt enough. And you have continued to neglect yourself.
I HOPE THIS PAGE BRINGS HOPE TO YOU. THE QUESTIONNAIRE IS FOUND HERE ON HER WEBSITE.
SOME INSIGHTS ON PARENTS AND CHILDREN
When I was with my baby Son in a Store one day, witnessing a young Mother treating her toddler awfully, I exclaimed audibly to her "You don't deserve to have children!"
My baby was comfortable in a stroller and her toddler was made to walk everywhere who was far too little for that and should have been in a stroller too. He was distressed and she was angry with him. That was very bad. So I am not condoning parents wrong behavior in any way when you read the following but sharing a few insights about Poorly Behaved Parents that may help some of my Readers. I've only ever had one child but these things have been evident to me through the years.
The Lord gives me perception and insights on different things, even with types of people and situations often I've haven't known personally sometimes - especially when I write. He guides me what to say quite often for someone's benefit and I like to write as if I am speaking to you (wherever it is relevant) Is that OK?
I really feel that many of you need to know where your parents were coming from when you were little. Much damage in a child's life can be easily overlooked from day to day or time to time when parents cope poorly, they're not sufficiently developed emotionally, ill equipped or they are just plain immature, hey? Even lots of stress can make people do strange things, we hear - sadly it often affects Parents too. It shouldn't but it does often. Those children are mystified when their parents say they love them but they lose their temper or say something really hurtful. A spouse may be condition for that, a child is not, and this is puzzling to their little hearts and minds. Sometimes they carry those things for a very long time and don't think to ask you questions or tell you. So I am speaking for them.
If you were unnoticed or unappreciated as a child, that would account for feeling that way when you grow up and maybe that your wishes, opinions or interests are of less importance to others or even within yourself. And this can also be considered: Some Mothers feel Overwhelmed or flustered by little kids when they're easily upset much of the time (they will switch off and ignore them - this can even include something which is really important to that child, it goes unregistered). With demanding children, they will sometimes be ruthless because they don't know how to manage such behavior - sometimes they get exasperated. Parenting comes too early with some - they're just not ready. And that's another reason why I don't approve of Government Incentive Schemes!
These Parents can be quite severe in order to Cope. Over time their nature can even take on this characteristic, so even when the child grows out of that temporary phase, she is not very nice to know - to manner is a bit harsh. Dads can switch off after a busy day's work and become disengaged or crack the whip (so to speak) wanting silence. Then they may hide themselves in a TV Program to wind down. Some Dads show real disinterest in their kids, and others not much. This can be very damaging. Their children can grow up with real problems communicating and insecurity issues; lacking a sense of direction and principles to live by. They can grow up frustrated or lost in the world around them. Maybe they get mixed up in the wrong group because they seem to be taking an interest in them. Some find it difficult to fit in, so they become loners - they don't find much to do because parental disinterest has stayed with them as some kind of carry-over from their upbringing and has never been addressed. Some of these kids jump at the first lot of company (acceptance) they can find without discretion or caution. Sometimes they feel needed and this brings a sense of acceptance, So don't pick on their way of life or the company they got into - they feel very strongly about that. And often they feel understood by others with a similar background. They're hungry for love deep down and long to feel valued - so Mateship is the next best thing to them, it gives them a sense of belonging.
So unless you can make them a better offer and maybe that's too late because they feel accepted - it's "Count me In" for them - they've found Identity after not having any with their Parents............."don't pick on my Friends" is their reaction deep down. It's a better deal than they had when they were growing up. Looking at the company they found for themselves is a Good Picture to them (totally different to your picture of things) and the one who takes the most notice of them has their respect and gratitude (having regard for their wishes and what is important to them) for reasons understood. It's like you are asking them to break that Bond of Trust and affection they have developed for something questionable to them. So I would not question or pick on their choice of company if you are trying to get somewhere with these young people - you will not get a good reception.
Instead, I would be Supportive of the person deep down with their needs unmet as a Child, just accept them as they are, show you are there for them, with Unconditional Respect, having regard for their wishes and what is important to them. This doesn't mean that you have to approve of their company and activities but you accept their PERSON rather than looking down on their affiliations. Because so often, that IS where a Young Person found Acceptance AND Someone who First took Notice of Them. Don't try to compete with that because you will be perceived as attacking them. No, you will not Win their Favor that way - you will lose their trust instantly. Because they have developed Trust in that Peer - maybe a bond of affection lacking from their parents - you're just a New Comer.
IF YOU'RE THAT PARENT AND YOU HAVE FOUND JESUS
Maybe you're that Parent and you have found The Lord - it will take time for them to recognise the Change in You can be trusted and it's there to stay!
Pictures from upbringing are strong - it takes time to build Trust, to replace that picture with the New One, even though they can see you're manner is different.
You're going to Need to PRAY More than you Speak. Apart from expressing Repentance to that Child like Dad did with us, I would say very little, listen to them and take interest in them. Let them adjust to what they See in you, not so much what they hear. Reconciliation Takes Time. Some may respond immediately to that New Found Love in you, many don't, it will take Time to Win their Favor. Once again, do not compete - respect their wishes, be there for them, be consistent.
Many times, the person they trust (the most) is their Hero in place of the Father they missed out on. Regardless of the age of that person - they've found something in them they did not have as a Child - the person they look up to. If you reject their Peer, you are rejecting them. Their Comfort Zone, so to speak. They will not thank you for that. This calls for the LOVE of JESUS I know - you will not be able to show this kind of Love in your own strength - and they will want to See how Genuine your Love is. Be Patient and Wait, it's a Process. It may be a case of "Hide and Seek"........they HIDE their Feelings and you SEEK The Lord in Prayer. And as you continue to do so faithfully, things can gradually move under the surface with their feelings.
Sometimes a few assuring words can agree with them - not too many because if you're verbal with them it can be perceived as pressure. "I've found my way in life, where were you?" They may even say "What have you got yourself mixed up in?" OR they're thinking "What's all these words about, what does he want from me?"
......"There it is, he wants me to change my lifestyle" ......Remember, over time we Lose their Trust (past tense) over time we Gain their Trust (present tense).
Occasionally a young person may say to themselves like I did when my Brother found Jesus "It's OK for him but that's not for me" and respect you for it because they can see it doing something for you. That will not be an invitation to impose. My dad wanted to hug and hug me after years of separation from me of his making (he was conveying something unspoken or wanted to continue from where he left off). I really didn't know how to handle that.
Let them learn it's Safe to Trust - take your time and be Consistent.
I can tell you this, a Real JESUS in your life will appeal to some (when they can see what He's Really About in your heart and life)
but Not a Religious or Churchy Jesus!
If they can See the LOVE, the WISDOM and RESPONSE on a sustained basis (only The Lord can give you that)
these will mean more than anything else.
Remember to SEEK and PRAY........Ask Jesus to show up in tangible ways to them.......Blessings from God.
They need to see "CHRIST in YOU.....the HOPE of Glory"........This way, in time, He can become Their Story too! Hey?